My favourite Christmas Carol is O Holy Night. There is a line in that
carol that reads “Long lay the world in sin and ever pining till He
appeared and the soul felt its worth”.

I would like to explain to you why that line means so much to me.

I was brought up in a very faith filled family. We went to church all
the time (or so it seemed). We spent a lot of time in family prayer in
fact God was very inconvenient. At Christmas you had to leave your
toys to go to church or you couldn't watch your favourite TV programme
because of family prayer. As I said a very inconvenient God.

My family consisted of my grandmother, my mother and father and my
sister Ann Marie. I was very close to my grandmother and my father.
When I was nine years old my father died of cancer. I didn't cry at
his death, maybe I was just too young to understand but I missed him
terribly. At the age of fifteen our mother died and a year later our
grandmother also died.

My sister and I were now alone. We fought a lot because we were so
different. I hated God for being so mean and hard and spiteful.
Imagine him taking away everything that we held dear and so my
determination to get back at God began. The world wasn't big enough
for both of us and he had to go.

I was a very rebellious person. I did my own thing and said whatever I
wanted even to the detriment of others. I didn't spare anyone's
feelings. Then it happened. My knight in shining armour appeared.

This relationship lasted 2 ½ years. It was a very violent relationship
and for the first time ever I experienced terrible fear. I knew my
life was in danger but I didn't know how to get out of the situation.
Ann Marie and I had not spoken for a few years. We had fallen out and
she moved through to Edinburgh to do a teacher training course. Then
one day when things were really bad I received a letter from Ann Marie
saying she would like to meet up and she invited me through to
Edinburgh. During that time I went to see my sister and she said my
only hope was to pray. I wanted to laugh because He had never listened
to me before, why should He listen now? But when I went home I prayed,
begging Him to help me.

Within a week my nightmare was over and I thought I had done it but
then I realised how great He had been. The Lord had given me courage
and protection in the whole situation. He had always been there – I
had had free choice but I had made the wrong choice. But the Lord
waited for me to ask for His help because He still loved me.

I went to a Day of Renewal in Edinburgh and laughed and cried all
through it. At the beginning I thought they were all mad. Then I wept
because I felt the love of the Lord: a love I hadn't felt since I was a
child.

Then my sister decided for my 25 th birthday that we should have a
party and I was over the moon until she said it would start with a
Mass. Who has a party with a Mass at the start? I was really angry but
it had been arranged. My sister suggested I should go to confession as
I would be the only one not receiving Communion. I had a lot to repent
of. For penance I was asked to go to Mass every day during Holy Week,
I thought he was kidding and I told him I couldn't do that but he said
to try.

Holy Week was really hard because it had been so long since I had been
to Mass and I became bored very easily. I went, not without argument
with my sister about it. On Good Friday, the service was in the form
of a play, and the congregation acted the parts of the crowd. We had
to shout “Crucify Him”. I thought, “I'm not going to shout that.
Jesus wasn't a bad soul. He never did anyone any harm”. Then I felt a
voice inside me saying that I would have crucified Him; that I had been
doing that all along. Then I felt really bad and I repented for all
the times I had been unloving and uncaring. On that Good Friday, my 25
th birthday Jesus Christ died on a cross that I may have salvation. No
greater love has a man for a friend than to lay down his life for
him/her.

That Easter Sunday I became aware that the Lord was calling me to
spread His Word. I was to tell people how good the Lord had been and
still is to me.

After that day I began to really feel His presence. Although I did at
times try to ignore it, the calling was too strong and I had to do
something about it. But what?

My sister asked me shortly afterwards if I would like to become part of
a Christian Community and I laughed and said “no”. My life had been so
sinful that I felt no Christian would want anything to do with me. She
suggested that I phone them and tell them that I didn't want to be part
of the Community. I tried to explain that I was just a shop assistant
and that I had nothing to offer the Community at which point I was
asked, “Phil, do you believe Jesus is your brother?” I said “Yes”, to
which the reply was “Jesus was just a carpenter and He had no
qualifications either”.

My plan of action to ignore the Lord's calling was failing. The Lord
was putting me in a spot and challenging me. Then I was told “You
don't have to have qualifications to spread the Word of God. But if
you can't do that, Phil…” The challenge had been put forward and I
took it up. No one tells me I can't do something. I will prove them
wrong (I'm a bit headstrong).

I joined the Community of the Risen Christ in December 1981. I have
never looked back because He appeared and my soul felt its worth. He
felt it was worth dying a cruel death for. That was 25 years ago.
This year on Easter Sunday and our jubilee year I celebrated my 50 th
birthday with my brothers and sisters and still my soul feels it's
worth because he broke the chains of sin and death that I may be free
and have life to the full.

For years I didn't know that I was in sin and ever pining for something until He appeared in my life.